Spy vs. Spy. Trust vs. Distrust. The only person a spy can trust is him/herself. However, I am inclined to say this pertains to everyone, not just covert operatives. Trust and distrust are the foundation of every relationship we have in our lives. Trust is an indication that you are willing to let down your guard, become vulnerable in the face of another. For many people, like myself, it takes years to build up, and a moment to shatter. Some might say it is wrong to live my life sitting on a blanket of distrust, but for those that earn it, I will be loyal to the end. Just don’t forget that it is much easier to lose trust, than gain it.

I find those that trust without caution both foolish and naive. Almost everyone has ulterior motives in life. Or maybe I’ve just fallen under the jaded sun of Hollywood for too long.  I have very few people in this world that I would trust with my life, very few people know my inner most secrets. It is in my nature to distrust, or is it? I can trace back friendships as far as I know where I let them in, and was thrown to the curb; and with each person that breaks my trust (and with it my heart), it is harder for the next to earn it. I am lucky to have some people in my life that I do, until that trust is broken. I can only hope that I will one day overcome the immense distrust I hold over the world.

Life can get messy when it comes to the entanglement of trust and the heart. The two are so closely related, because without trust, you can’t have true love. You can love many, but you will not trust all that you love. How can you give all of yourself, and by all I refer to the emotional, vulnerable connection between two people, without trusting the other person? Truth is, you can’t.

I’ve pretty much gone in circles with this post. You are my sounding board. This is my microphone.

In the word’s of the illustrious William Shakespeare, “Love all. Trust Few.”

In the darkest of nights, I promise my love I’ll show you the light.
When we’ve fallen down the rabbit hole, mad hatters we all turn,
Patchwork pieces to mend the places in our hearts they’ve earned.
When we feel we’ve run out of time, lost in wonderland,
The white rabbit, he who eludes us, follows his own plan.
But my love, this I promise, the real world it awaits,
Filled with people to hold you close; for we belong to fate.

I was watching How I Met Your Mother, and this time around Ted was the one with the “I must write about this” gem. He says, “The longer I put off starting my own firm, the longer it can remain a dream, and not something I screwed up at. I mean, It’s like I’m giving up before I’ve even started.”

We’ve all done this. How many of us are still doing it? Giving up on our dreams, or at least putting them off until LATER in order to keep them just that- dreams. Something that we can hope to “one day achieve.” The problem is, the longer we put them off, the more difficult it becomes to get started. Fear sets in. It becomes, “God forbid, what if I…FAIL!?!”

FEAR

Fear is lessened through confrontation. I’m not even sure it can ever truly be conquered. For someone who is afraid of heights, skydiving is a brave and daring act. You may even enjoy it after the first jump, but it doesn’t mean you won’t be afraid the next time you go up….but you will be stronger. So what do we do? Keep jumping. Until the fear becomes so miniscule that it isn’t the first thought to register, but rather the second or third, or even the last.

FAILURE

We all fear failure. Ever since that little league game when they stopped handing out the ‘participation trophies’ and the other team started to gloat. When our parents or coaches berated us for poor grades, or losing a game. Success and failure are tied to our feelings of self-worth. It’s a part of being human. You can’t escape it. However, we can CONFRONT IT. Head on. We keep our dreams at bay so that we don’t have to experience that fear every day. Though without it, we would never truly appreciate the feeling of success. The longer you wait, the harder it gets. Eventually it will be too late.

DREAMS

I want to act. All my friends and family know this….I’m confident in my training and my talent. Perhaps the only thing I am truly confident in. Yet I can’t seem to get my ass out of the apartment to find myself an agent. Excuses, excuses, excuses galore! I need money, I need new headshots, I’m not ready…blah blah blah blah blah. It’s fear. Fear of failure. If I never get out there, I can never ‘truly fail.’ The longer I wait, the older I get, the harder it gets, the more likely I am to NEVER achieve my dreams.

It’s easy to sit back and hold on to that dream. It’s easy to stay in your comfort zone, surrounded by friends and family, going through the motions of life. It can even be fun, entertaining, livable. But do you want to live a life that is ‘livable’ or ‘incredible?’ You have to take risks in order to realize your dreams. You have to pursue them actively, not a little bit this month, a little bit the next….a little bit each day.

WAKE UP

Don’t put off your dream job, or dream life. It’s out there for you, but you have to be the one to go out and get it. If that means getting a shitty job for 4 months just to save enough money to move somewhere new, do it. If that means giving up your nights of drinking and partying, do it. Your true friends will still be there waiting for you when you come back. If that means compromising, do it. If it means getting up at 4 am to ‘write’ or ‘practice’ before your shitty mundane job, do it. Yes- enjoy life. But if you cannot ‘follow your dreams’ because you don’t want to give up having fun, maybe you need to look at your definition of what it means to ‘enjoy life.’ Because there are plenty of people out there LIVING YOUR DREAM right now, and it’s possible they are enjoying it a bit more than you.

Moral of this post- Don’t live in fear of what may or may not happen. Otherwise, you will never truly live at all.